Touch

Many essays, many notes have been written about how to handle their loved one’s dementia. (Me included.) , but we skip some basic needs of all of us. One of those is touch.

Touch is a basic form of communication that displays emotional status and intent. And people with dementia often need this kind of exchange, this style of communication. I can still communicate in words although sometimes it’s difficult. When my wife and I argue or disagree strongly it’s ended with a grand hug and a strong hand shake. A lot of the time it’s completed in laughter as we realize how silly of a thing to spat about.

But you might have a different style of communication in your family or with the person who  has dementia. You may have been brought up in a family composed of generous expressive compassion or you grew up in a household of even-tempered parents who showed little body language, which was my case.

You’re likely to repeat the style you grew up with.

Here’s a man who was raised in a family like mine:

Dave is 79 years old and was in a later stage of Alzheimer’s disease. He was quite withdrawn and largely non-verbal.He lived with his son, Tate, and his daughter-in-law. Tate took it hard that he could no longer communicate with his dad.

One day when he was fly-fishing, Tate was drawn to some smooth stones at the water’s edge. He and his dad used to come to this river and skip stones. Dad had told Tate about the rock collection he had along the driveway when he was a kid. So when Tate was finished fishing Tate put a couple of the smooth stones in his jacket pocket.

When he arrived back at home, he went in the living room where he found his father sitting, staring out the picture window. Tate knelt next to him, removed the stone from his pocket and handed it to his dad, quiet at first, then he shared the story of finding the stone then told him ways he could use the stone.

Tate placed the rock into his father’s hand who set the stone onto the table next to him. At first Chase thought he was rejecting the gift of that rock, but dad took Tate’s hand in both of his just like he used to do when Tate was little.

There was still a connection after all, Tate surmised.

In the evenings, Tate read to his father and told him of his fly fishing adventures.

Tate learned how to connect to his father in a couple of ways. He discovered not all communication is verbal and although he still missed his father, he began to recognize the importance of being present and how touch could interplay in it.

 

Haptics

This is the communication we use without words. It is one of the most visceral and instinctive way we connect, often expressing empathy, trust or authority, for instance, far faster than spoken words can.

Studies show touch can communicate nuanced positive feelings such as joy, sympathy, and gratitude more accurately than facial expression or tone of voice.

Think. What would sooth your soul sooner? A friend talking to you or that friend sitting next to you and taking your hand in theirs? We’re often too afraid of doing what might not be what our culture accepts than acting more spontaneously or, as mentioned above, instinctively. Have you found yourself stopping to give a pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, for fear of criticism or rejection.

And what about your loved one’s reaction? If your hugs have been dismissed, don’t give up on all touch. Maybe something less dramatic would be in order – a fist bump or quick and gentle touch of the arm. He may be open to further touching in the future. If all your attempts are refused, make a note of this: it’s not you. It has to do with your loved one’s interpretation of the world around him.

But keep your loved one safe from feeling intimidated by physical contact. Don’t reach above his comfort level. His dementia might not be the only piece of the equation, he might have been like this all his life.

I grew up in a household where little emotion was shown, physically and verbally. As a young adult, I felt a great deal of mistrust of the people around me. So I rejected many on a social and physical level.I latched onto individuals who initially seemed safe and held on too tightly when it became clear it was time to leave the relationship. Maturity meant setting appropriate boundaries, but ones that didn’t imprison me.

 

Categories of haptics

There are a number of environments or relationships where touching can take place. Here are some examples.

§  Task-related such as a physical examination by a doctor or the measurements taken by a seamstress

§  Ritualistic includes standard social greetings and good-byes like a handshake, a wave

§  Social involves behavior like a touch to someone’s elbow

§  Friendship and warmth can involve a display of liking or inclusion for example, a hug or pat on the back

§  Intimacy body language usually happens with family and close friends and romantic partners, caressing a child’s cheek or kissing

 

Touching hands

Maggie, 67, was in the early stage of dementia. In the mornings she functioned fairly well, showering and dressing herself. She did her chores then because she “had more energy.” Come later in the day, she became restless and appeared lost.

Vickey, her granddaughter, visited her three times a week to make dinner for the two of them. She noticed Maggie’s face drawing blanks close to the evenings and then as time went on, Maggie began pacing.

Vickey assumed the recklessness was due to anxiety, and she tried to lure Maggie into a number of alternative activities like working together on a jigsaw puzzle, which Maggie loved to do; doing kitchen clean-up and taking a walk. Even a walk wouldn’t cease the pacing – it only delayed it some. 

Vickey hated the grimace on her grandmothers face and felt she was in some cognitive agony. She finally came to trying a hand massage so she found some fragrant floral of her mom’s (where Maggie lived) and before she started pacing, told Maggie she’d like to give her a hand massage and surprisingly her grandmother agreed. Although she knew nothing about how to do it except what she received at the nail salon, Vickey simply took the cream and soothed it into Maggie’s hands.

Maggie didn’t pace that night. They worked on the puzzle till Vickey decided it was time to go. But before she left Vickey showed what she did with the cream and mom assured Vickey she would buy more. Mom saw Maggie’s face was less drawn and she seemed calmer; she consented to do massage on the days Vickey wasn’t there. They both agreed it was the touching, and being present that were keys to Maggie’s comfort.

 

The science of touch

Researchers have discovered that the skin cells are capable of sending a variety of messages to the brain about touching. Imagine what we’d be missing if it wasn’t so.

According to researchers, friendly touches like a light pat on the back from a tutor or a handshake from a librarian increases compliance and the positive feelings from touching improves one’s attitude toward their environment.

Touching stimulates skin receptors that communicate with the brain. To see how quickly your sensation comes to you, touch something while paying attention to the speed of transmission from skin through the somatosensory system through peripheral nerves to the spinal cord then the brain.

One consensual touch promotes theses skin reactions :

Ø  Oxytocin – For bonding and trust

Ø  Serotonin – Mood stabilization

Ø  Dopamine – Reward and motivation

Ìt reduces the stress chemicals

Ø  Cortisol – High cortisol is deeply linked to anxiety and chronic depression

Ø  Norepinephrine – Related to vigilance

So touch has a valuable place in treating those with dementia – and for that sake, anyone. It can comfort nervousness, encourage those afraid, evoke personality and even deal – with caution – with delusions and hallucinations. You know your loved one best. Some people with dementia don’t like to be touched at all. Respect that. It’s not you. It’s them.

And by all means, coach your loved one to hug themselves by showing them how. This is an effective therapy for loneliness. I’ve done it myself. Teach them to hold the hug for a good 30 seconds.

 

And you know what this means ….you have to take responsibility for yourself. I’d like to hear you did this twice a day.

 

Starting this Monday, I’ll write a 1000-1400 word article (what I do now) then a shorter essay about the progression of my mild cognitive impairment (that’s beginning to mimic dementia more with time) then the next piece, a longer article then back to my story. I think you get the picture. My cognitive decline is interfering with being able to publish a longer, researched article. Thank you for understanding. And thanks so much for reading my stories.

 

I’m not a doctor nor am I prescribing anything. This article is for educational and informational purposes only. If you are having medical or emotional problems, consult your primary care practitioner or a specialist in that area. If you experiencing psychological or psychiatrical issues consult your doctor, a licensed psychologist or a psychiatrist. If you’re having an emergency, call 911or the emergency number in your country.

 

Please remember, you are not alone.

Till next Monday or in the chat….

Judi

“Touch has a memory.”  John Keats