Falling Leaves Crafting your Caregiver Companion

Who do you want your caregiver to be?  What are the personal traits and physical skills that you need? What are your highest qualifications?  Empathy, an ability to feel another’s emotions, is the key as far as I am concerned. If I were interviewing someone to be my caregiver, understanding - a true trying to put her feet into my shoes – is tops.

Without empathy (please, no sympathy), there is no heartfelt service – and that individual would be eliminated from my list in a polite, New York minute.

You may already have a caregiver. The two (or three? ) of you can go over this together as a talking point.

I have a “built in” caregiver, my wife, Jenny. Her compassion is incredible; I really lucked out. She listens intently and shares her own perspective.

It’s crucial to have good rapport. I’m not alone in putting this as my number-one qualification. Some of this need is created by not feeling accepted in society including with acquaintances, friends and often relatives. Also, our own feelings of self-doubt and confusion over who we are, necessitate having a companion who can connect emotionally.

So one of the key facets of a person-caregiver relationship is having open and honest dialogue. When Jenny and I first talked about vacation plans, we reserved a condo right on the beach. We even got a Fodor’s guide to see what else was available. I had been excited until Jenny realized what chances we were taking and said, “How are you going to be able to walk through the sand? How will you navigate the airports?”

The main door of the condo opened onto sand. The airports would have been overwhelming.

So we negotiated next steps. We decided on two long weekends. One to a community we love on the shores of Lake Erie. The other in a resort not far from where we live. We both ended up disappointed but satisfied (and a little excited) with the solution.

Another leading factor in relationship building is trust. Trust is visible in the history of the people you know. Do they come through with the promises they make? Can they keep your conversations private when you ask them to. Do they show up when they say they would?

Trust takes time to cultivate. If you’re meeting with a stranger, trust is hard to gage. Were they on time? Were they respectful of your schedule? Could they hold eye contact?

Another aspect is allowing the person with dementia to have as much control as possible. This includes giving the right amount of personal space – which you learn about over time. Can the caregiver provide you with quiet times if needed? 

So you want someone who fits your personality, someone who listens more than she talks, somebody you like. If you don’t assess a potential caregiver yourself, you’ll want to be in the room with them while this is being discussed.

You might be looking for a 24/7, full time or part time companion. Jenny has been working from home for five years so she has been assessable to me basically 24/7. She might have to go back to working in an office so I will be alone during the day. We are pondering having someone in to visit a couple days a week for just a few hours to do a wellness check, make me a hot lunch and grant me some companionship.

You might not feel like you need a caregiver if you’ve been living on your own. That’s the best time to start the process. Most families wait too long then they’re making frantic decisions.

My wife, Jenny, and her sister, Vicki, were the primary caregivers for their mom, Jean, who had Alzheimer’s disease. Together they came up with this plan: Jenny would take over financial power of attorney and Vicki chose responsibility for medical power of attorney.

Whatever is decided, roles – and times - should be clearly defined. Not that each couldn’t help one another in a pinch. Or confer with each other.

If the caregiver you’re considering is a referral from an agency or answer from an ad, you need to put together a list of relevant questions while recognizing that an interview would involve informing the applicant about yourself as much as getting information from them. In fact, you can use some of the inquiry provided below with relatives. After all, you want to know what they comprehend about your disease and know about you.

If you don’t feel comfortable interviewing the potential caregiver, have your daughter, husband, son or friend say the words for you. But it’s important that you stay in the room.

First of all, you need to encourage the interviewee to talk a little about herself including her experience with caregiving. She may answer some of the questions on your list as she speaks. I’ve put the beginning of a list to get you started.

·      What do you understand about the disease?

·      Can you focus on strengths rather than criticize me when I do something wrong?

·      What would you do if the person with dementia won’t cooperate?

·      What about if she wanders?

·      Do you know CPR?

·      What would you do if you didn’t know what to do?

·      Of course if appropriate, ask if they’re skilled and comfortable with bathing, dressing, feeding, meal prep and med managing.

·      If applicable, can they provide transportation?

Make sure you tell them about yourself – your likes and dislikes, how you like to spend your time, what you would like a caregiver to do. Other facts to tell about yourself:

o   How your disease affects you

o   That you become restless and agitated at times

o   You may feel threatened, even paranoid, when you are frustrated or bored

o   Tell her if you shout out or scream, that you’re suspicious thinking someone is stealing from you, that you have had delusions or hallucinations

o   Inform her of any physical problems you have including the outcome of your last physical

o   Say you want slow conversation and plenty of time for your response

o   Tell her not to rush you or finish your sentences unless asked

Be sure to inquire how the applicant takes care of her own emotional wellbeing.

Don’t make a decision right away. Allow a couple of days to pass to process the experience of the interview and to give that caregiver the same opportunity. You might want to review any referral letters or emails collected and do a background check.

Today we talked about you getting a full or part time casegiver. Again, if you already have one you may want to consider going over the information here to gain a better understanding of each other. Good luck in your endeavor.

Please remember, you are not alone.

Don’t forget about the chat. Judibailey1@substack.com/chat

Till next Monday…

Judi

“Dementia is a journey, not a destination. It is a process of change that requires an understanding not just of the diagnosis but of the individual.”   Teepa Snow, dementia care specialist/occupational therapist

 

Please go to my friend’s article on assisted living

https://substack.com/@cindymartindale/note/p-159368370?r=48xgkx&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action